I don't know what the point of this is lolz

 God's love is the simplest subject that I keep returning to. It continues to challenge me. I will think I have grasped it, and then something will happen, and I will feel all those same feelings that I have felt since I was a preteen: shame, embarrassment, and those pangs of false holiness that tell me I should have done better. 

Today I was driving home from work and turned on the radio. The song could not have been more timely. "Let me introduce you to amazing grace. No matter the bumps, no matter the bruises, still the truth is, the cross has made you flawless. ...the cross was enough." It is the foundation for salvation and yet I cannot grasp it. Whethor it's pride, fear, or plain human stupidity, I am constantly having to relearn that nothing I could do on my own will make me "holy enough" to go to the Father. It is out of my hands, it just is. It is remarkable pride to believe that the cross is not enough to take every sin that I have every committed or will ever commit. His blood is enough. His love is enough. I am not special. I am just trying to drill these truths into my head and my heart over and over because the flesh and fear is persistent.

There is another song that says "You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross." wow. It doesn't matter how many times I hear that line, it makes me cry every time, and more than an emotional response, I know it's deeply true. 

We live life like sin and death wasn't crucified on that cross, like fear wasn't swallowed up by perfect love, like we have to earn what has been freely given, like boundless grace is going to run out. 

I think I'm starting to have more compassion for people because I'm starting to see how we're all really the same. We're all struggling, we're all afraid of rejection and loneliness, and we all try to protect ourselves from hurt even when it means shutting out love and growth. We're all afraid, we all just need gentleness and understanding and constant reminders that those we love aren't going to leave us. 

I have endured no significant family trauma, I was never abandoned. Honestly, I have had one of the easiest childhoods that I could imagine, and I STILL struggle with fear of rejection and assuming that others simply tolerate me or secretly wish they didn't have to deal with me. I can't imagine what it would feel like if I did have real events to back up those self-beliefs. I can't imagine the self-talk that would bombard me, how many filters -- good or bad -- I would skew life through. 

I haven't had to be defensive, and I never knew that was a privilege but it is, but I do know that even what pain and fear I do have, He has transformed into something that only brings me closer to Him.

He has made us worthy of His love, we are not deserving, but He has made us worthy, as we are now with no performance. The cross took away the need for our shame, for our striving. Just because He is not finished with us yet does not mean that He doesn't love us where we are right now. It literally does not matter what we have done or what others have done to us, we don't have to earn His love, we don't have to "please" Him for Him to love us. There is no fear in love. 

I just feel really lucky I guess, to struggle through the human condition with Him. His love makes it so that even the struggle is surrender, is beautiful, is bonding. It's a truly unfathomable relationship. 

This kind of wandered, but also not really because it all comes back to the one thing that will always mystify me: God's love. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

February (I had to do the feb-bru-ary thing in my head to spell it right)

 Ah February, the month of love. At work, coworkers are asking if I have plans, if I like Valentines day, would I rather get flowers or chocolate, etc.  But thankfully I don't have to partake in any of that because right now I am unattached. Footloose and fancy free, as the kids say.  When you're a Christian girl, you grow up learning that crushes are bad, that you should only think about boys as your brothers in Christ, and that you are too young for all that, until one day you wake up and realize that all your friends have boyfriends, some are getting married, and you're still stuck thinking that having a crush is embarrassing. <---Is this autobiographical? ...maybe.  But I've recently been able to express those immature things to myself without shame, without belittling myself, and I've talked to God about it.  I used to talk to God about it, too, but back then it was prayers of false holiness and embarrassment, but now it is another facet of freedom, of b...
Read more

October (spooky season, witches)

My October last year was...wild. I kind of wish I could just write about that instead, but...we're sticking to the program here.  Anyway, last October was like life turned to full brightness. The season of fall was in full bloom, everything looked like a perpetual postcard. My emotional and spiritual life felt like it was bubbling over constantly in a very attention demanding way. It was vibrant and revealing and exciting and it changed me in ways that I still can't fully describe.  This October is quieter, steadier. My guess is it is some of the fruit from last year. I'm turning 21, and because I am sentimental, that has everything to do with my emotional and spiritual state.  I've always struggled with things changing. Death, losing friends, getting older, etc. I felt like one by one things would be taken from me until I was old and had no connections, no ties to anyone. Because of that, I've kind of expected all of my relationships to be taken from me in one way ...
Read more