February (I had to do the feb-bru-ary thing in my head to spell it right)

 Ah February, the month of love. At work, coworkers are asking if I have plans, if I like Valentines day, would I rather get flowers or chocolate, etc. 

But thankfully I don't have to partake in any of that because right now I am unattached. Footloose and fancy free, as the kids say. 

When you're a Christian girl, you grow up learning that crushes are bad, that you should only think about boys as your brothers in Christ, and that you are too young for all that, until one day you wake up and realize that all your friends have boyfriends, some are getting married, and you're still stuck thinking that having a crush is embarrassing. <---Is this autobiographical? ...maybe. 

But I've recently been able to express those immature things to myself without shame, without belittling myself, and I've talked to God about it. 

I used to talk to God about it, too, but back then it was prayers of false holiness and embarrassment, but now it is another facet of freedom, of being close to my Father and knowing that He cares for my heart and my feelings even when it is silly. He delights in me. I get to listen to silly songs and feel all of those "immature" feelings fully, without self-judgement or fear, and I bring God into it with me, knowing that He wants to share in the fun of it. He doesn't want to miss a moment of my life. 

More and more I'm coming to see that all of my own words on God are not new, they are redundant because I keep learning the same things over and over. I'm slowly but surely accepting the fact that my whole life is just letting God's love redefine all the nooks and crannies of my heart in new-to-me ways, and I don't have to be deep or original with it.