M.Int 2017 - a silly story

lol. I read this back, and I can see it and remember it a little more clearly for what it was: a kid who loved God and wanted to be closer, and had been shown that the way to be closer was "breakthrough", was big emotional revelations. Those big emotional revelations -- in my mind -- were still something to achieve, something I could do, and it meant that I was making linear progress in my walk with God, because no matter how much I said otherwise, I still craved milestones and achievements that proved I was more set free than others. 

A Bit of Backstory: January of 2017 - I was wondering why I felt like I was in the same place I had been for years, and searching for some magical quote or phrase that could fix my stagnant heart. Somehow I stumbled across a song: Pieces by Steffany Gretzinger. The moment those first few notes started playing, I burst into tears. I felt something so intense and scary and all-at-once powerful, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was God's love sweeping in the moment that I allowed a crack to appear in the walls around my heart. Up until that point, I had subconsciously believed that God was a distant, unknowable, Great Deity in the sky who demanded that I reach level 397 of Christianity before I could be noticed. On that January night, at 2am, hunched over in a beanbag chair and sobbing, I got my first taste of what love is. And it was addictive. After that, I couldn't help myself but press into God and press into family. For the next months leading up to M.Int 2017, the Holy Spirit took me through a step-by-step program (or at least that's what it felt like) to slowly unravel all the lies I had believed about Him. It was breakthrough after breakthrough, spending at least 2 hours in my room every day as I discovered another sliver of His heart for me.

^^^This is true, but I think over time I have dramatized it in my mind. It was most likely a much smaller event, though I do remember believing in God's love for the first time. And I did spend something close to 2 hours every morning in my room, and everything was exciting and new, but when you tidy it up like that little story, it sounds a lot more holy than it was. 

One of the biggest lies that I discovered lurking around in my own heart was the belief that I was unwanted. I knew that wasn't true, and I started to learn how to use logic and truth to reshape my thinking habits, but it was still rooted in my heart.

M.Int 2017: This was my first M.Int. I had heard stories and was excited for breakthrough. I had heard that Friday evening was where things got kinda crazy, so as soon as Friday evening rolled around, I was ready for some emotions! Heck yeah. But then I went to bed realizing that even though I had sympathized with the others around me, and praised and cried and been very involved, I hadn't felt anything shift in my own heart. I was a little disappointed, but it wasn't over yet, and I was trusting God for revelation and breakthrough. WELL, Saturday evening came, and at the very tail end of Marilyn's message for the evening, right before we were going to start singing, it hit me like a baseball bat between the eyes. I suddenly remembered the moments and feelings that had introduced the idea of being unwanted into my little mind. I suddenly saw how much that fear had affected every relationship in my life, and how it had been ruling my choices since it formed when I was 6 or 7.

    There is a saying, "If you are looking for something, you'll probably find it." good or bad. So when I went into this weekend with the one goal of having a "revelation" from God, of having an encounter similar to those that I had heard about, I was bound to find it. "It hit me like a baseball bat between the eyes." Not really. I had a fleeting thought and was like, "Is this it? Could this be a reason?" And I decided it was the reason and blew it out of proportion in my mind. What a goose. Desperate for approval, crafting a narrative, and creating the experience that I wanted others to see me have. 

When in reality, sure, maybe that reason was part of it, but it wasn't a singular event, it was a culmination of a childhood of miscommunication and wrong beliefs, and that happens to everyone. 

I've grown up hearing about how after my brother and sister were born, my parents were trying to decide whether they were done with more children. My mom wanted one more child because she felt like the family still wasn't complete, that there was someone else who was meant to be there.
I can now see that the enemy was trying to steal away a priceless piece of my identity: the belief that I am wanted.

    This was an afterthought that I added because I knew it sounded good, and I knew it would complete the "story". See, even when I am trying to be vulnerable or share something, I can't help but polish it up and have a narrative. It's in my blood, how my brain is hardwired, to tell a story. 

The very core of who I am as a person has been so radically repaired and cared for that I am convinced me from two years ago wouldn't even recognize my heart now. I am constantly amazed by how many internalized and ugly feelings God can redeem to become strength from Him. He is always good. <3

    This was actually from a post from this blog, and I added it to the end because -- say it with me now -- it sounded good. I knew it was a emotional, well articulated way to wrap up the story.