Keeping your heart soft.

"Never let the sun go down on your anger." is a quote from Little Women, (technically it's from the Bible, but it will always be from Little Women in my mind) a book I read as soon as I learned how to read. I couldn't quote anything else from Little Women, but that phrase stayed with me.

When I was little, I was an angry child, easily provoked, petty, and everything in between. I would get in an argument with my sister or my mother, and then I would coddle that offense all day. I would stroke it and whisper sweet nothings to it, convinced that I was right to have this offense and anger towards whomever wronged me. But without fail, at the end of the day I would be in my bunk bed trying to fall asleep, unable to rest because the whisper of "Never let the sun go down on your anger." played over and over. Again without fail, I would crawl out of bed and go to either my mom or sister and whisper my apology, so thoroughly convicted and wanting to repair things that it didn't matter if people were trying to sleep. I had to make things right.

As I grew in maturity, those petty fights and easily provoked offenses died down. I forgot about that old pattern.

A month or so ago, my sister and I disagreed on something. No big deal, we disagree all the time and it isn't an issue, but this time, I got offended, I got annoyed. I didn't act on it, but it was there. I went to bed, ready for a peaceful night of sleep, and what should happen?

"Never let the sun go down on your anger." 

I remembered all those nights that my conscience, or now what I recognize as the Holy Spirit, was fighting against the enemy to keep my heart soft. I know that if I had allowed all of those offenses and slivers of anger to stay overnight, I would have grown comfortable with them. I would have slowly hardened my heart to repentance, to the ability to hear the Holy Spirit now.

I am so grateful for that conviction. Our sensitivity to evil is a gift, it is an immense gift.

When I look back at my life, I can see all the ways that God has been fighting for me. I can see that I was meant to be on this earth, and I was meant to be God's. I was meant to keep my heart soft, and thank God I listened to the Holy Spirit.

It is so easy to let your heart harden towards things. I am a very empathetic person, and very emotional, so seeing others in pain when I can do nothing is really hard. The idea of children starving in other countries, or sexual abuse, or the biggest one that I hardened my heart towards, abortion. It hurt too much, and that pain felt pointless because I couldn't do anything, so I shut it down. I created distance and emotional walls around those subjects.

Allowed to stay, those walls would spread, springing up easier and easier around anything that hurt a little bit. That is such a destructive path to go down, and I have experienced how a person like that interacts. Once again, I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit convicted me to let go of those walls and feel the impact of pain and suffering even when I can't do anything about it. It kind of sucks, but it is also refreshing. When I can do nothing else, I can empathise and pray.

I am called to be a wholehearted worshiper, a wholehearted soul. I refuse to allow any part of myself to become fragmented, even when it hurts.