The Trinity
I'm going to start out by saying that I don't understand the Trinity, and I don't think that my finite mind will. The idea of three separate persons, but also one person, still separate, all together, is actual gibberish.
Anyway, because I didn't understand the Trinity and didn't want to say the wrong thing, I would always refer to God, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit as a vague "Lord". The blanket term. It's kind of like calling Satan or demons "the enemy". It added distance for me, safety in case I messed up terminology or sounded too "woo-woo".
But that sanitized distance wasn't good enough for God.
My first encounter with God was with the paternal, crushingly close love of a Father. It felt like something was released in me, and something was pressed upon me at the same time. That framed my picture of the grand galaxy God that loves so completely. God the Father.
Then I was swept up into a long season of discovering Jesus, and the cross. I'll do a seperate post on that, but dang, that was an emotional rollercoaster in the best way. I developed and experienced a specific, unique relationship with Jesus.
And that was all wonderful, and I stayed there for a bit, enjoying the familiarity of God and Jesus, the easiness and certainty of it.
Growing up in a Baptist church, I knew the Holy Spirit in name only. In my mind, He was a mystical force of power that mimicked a conscience. A little over a year ago I started to wonder about the third member of the Trinity. I knew that others experienced a relationship with Him, experienced more of Him than I clearly had. So I started to seek Him out.
Where it had been easy before, where I felt pulled by God and like God was showing me new things, I now felt like it was difficult, awkward, fruitless. I read verses about the Holy Spirit, tried to believe that something would come of my attempts. I put my hand on my heart and talked to the air, directing it towards the Holy Spirit. I honestly felt silly because nothing was happening; what if I was doing it wrong?
Then I began to feel the prompting to put my hand on my heart in weird moments. Like, when an argument broke out, I put my hand on my heart. When we were singing worship songs at a small church we tried out (when I was afraid to actually do anything), I put my hand on my heart, and it was like a small flutter and warmth. Now I know it was the Holy Spirit encouraging me, prompting me to continue. I trusted for a while, with unclear signs and a lot of guessing. Somewhere along the way, it no longer felt awkward.
Recently, I think the Holy Spirit has been moving in me a lot more. I feel Him when I see a homeless person and my insides feel like they're vibrating, or when I'm overwhelmed with love for a total stranger (which is a weird thing in and of itself). Or when I'm watching a squirrel and I feel something inside me whisper "That is beautiful. That is God's creation." Or when my heart burns and I have no idea what I'm feeling, but just to go with it.
Just last night, I had a dream and there was a girl who was in trouble, and my first response was to pray for the girl. IN A DREAM. That's exciting to me because the Holy Spirit is actively teaching me how to view the world around me, when a year ago, I was timidly putting my hand on my heart, wanting to feel something.
It's not always easy. It takes pursuing that connection, trusting that He wants to be found. Jesus sacrificed Himself on that cross so that we could know the Holy Spirit. To seek the Holy Spirit, listening and learning how to walk with Him throughout the day, bringing Him into every situation, is to honor Jesus's pain. To do otherwise, to regard the Holy Spirit as an occasional medicine, as though He is not our Lifeline to eternity and hope, is to demean and devalue the Son of God's sacrifice.
Every part of the Trinity is specific and close. Whenever I write down my prayers, I no longer write "Dear Lord", I write out "Dear God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit" because it is important to me that I recognize each one's specific role in my life. (I'm not saying you have to do that, it's just something that has helped me).
Anyway, because I didn't understand the Trinity and didn't want to say the wrong thing, I would always refer to God, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit as a vague "Lord". The blanket term. It's kind of like calling Satan or demons "the enemy". It added distance for me, safety in case I messed up terminology or sounded too "woo-woo".
But that sanitized distance wasn't good enough for God.
My first encounter with God was with the paternal, crushingly close love of a Father. It felt like something was released in me, and something was pressed upon me at the same time. That framed my picture of the grand galaxy God that loves so completely. God the Father.
Then I was swept up into a long season of discovering Jesus, and the cross. I'll do a seperate post on that, but dang, that was an emotional rollercoaster in the best way. I developed and experienced a specific, unique relationship with Jesus.
And that was all wonderful, and I stayed there for a bit, enjoying the familiarity of God and Jesus, the easiness and certainty of it.
Growing up in a Baptist church, I knew the Holy Spirit in name only. In my mind, He was a mystical force of power that mimicked a conscience. A little over a year ago I started to wonder about the third member of the Trinity. I knew that others experienced a relationship with Him, experienced more of Him than I clearly had. So I started to seek Him out.
Where it had been easy before, where I felt pulled by God and like God was showing me new things, I now felt like it was difficult, awkward, fruitless. I read verses about the Holy Spirit, tried to believe that something would come of my attempts. I put my hand on my heart and talked to the air, directing it towards the Holy Spirit. I honestly felt silly because nothing was happening; what if I was doing it wrong?
Then I began to feel the prompting to put my hand on my heart in weird moments. Like, when an argument broke out, I put my hand on my heart. When we were singing worship songs at a small church we tried out (when I was afraid to actually do anything), I put my hand on my heart, and it was like a small flutter and warmth. Now I know it was the Holy Spirit encouraging me, prompting me to continue. I trusted for a while, with unclear signs and a lot of guessing. Somewhere along the way, it no longer felt awkward.
Recently, I think the Holy Spirit has been moving in me a lot more. I feel Him when I see a homeless person and my insides feel like they're vibrating, or when I'm overwhelmed with love for a total stranger (which is a weird thing in and of itself). Or when I'm watching a squirrel and I feel something inside me whisper "That is beautiful. That is God's creation." Or when my heart burns and I have no idea what I'm feeling, but just to go with it.
Just last night, I had a dream and there was a girl who was in trouble, and my first response was to pray for the girl. IN A DREAM. That's exciting to me because the Holy Spirit is actively teaching me how to view the world around me, when a year ago, I was timidly putting my hand on my heart, wanting to feel something.
It's not always easy. It takes pursuing that connection, trusting that He wants to be found. Jesus sacrificed Himself on that cross so that we could know the Holy Spirit. To seek the Holy Spirit, listening and learning how to walk with Him throughout the day, bringing Him into every situation, is to honor Jesus's pain. To do otherwise, to regard the Holy Spirit as an occasional medicine, as though He is not our Lifeline to eternity and hope, is to demean and devalue the Son of God's sacrifice.
Every part of the Trinity is specific and close. Whenever I write down my prayers, I no longer write "Dear Lord", I write out "Dear God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit" because it is important to me that I recognize each one's specific role in my life. (I'm not saying you have to do that, it's just something that has helped me).
We need the whole God, not just the part we've felt was easier. We need the whole Trinity.
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