for the first time 9/3/2020

For one of the first times that I can ever recall, I actually wasn't prideful or defensive or offended in a conflict. I was clear and I was careful. This is huge for me because even if I don't act on it, I usually feel those spiteful, offended, or even self-pitying feelings. 

I was hurt, but I didn't dwell on it, I didn't stew. It was a natural hurt that didn't turn into anything. It felt...healthy. And because I knew that I loved the person so much more than my self-protection or allowing bitterness to whisper sweet nothings to me, the resolution was the easiest thing in the world. I didn't try to make her feel sorry, I didn't try to "get justice" for myself. I wanted peace between us, and I knew that she was a work in progress just like I am, and I am more than okay with giving her the space she needs to figure it out with God. 

Y'all, this may not be a big deal for anyone other than me, but when God said that no one was good except for Him, that is not a lie. Even if I haven't acted on it, I have coddled my feelings and allowed them to lead me into sin, I dwelled on them in a way that twisted them into something they were never meant for. 

I know that this doesn't mean that I am going to be perfect from here on out, and I am fully comfortable with that fact. I am human, and God doesn't require perfection. To me, that conflict and my subsequent response is a reflection of how the Holy Spirit has been changing me on the inside, how He has been leading me closer to love and removing the filters of self that I don't want anymore. 


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