Peace Through Grief/Wholeheartedness Footnote

 There is rest in the middle of tension, peace in the middle of grief. 

We have been given the Holy Spirit, the Comforter!!! Maybe I wasn't meant to focus on that as intently as I do, but I have felt the gift of the Comforter over and over in my life. Honestly it's an eerie thing, that kind of rest and peace, because when I know that I should be agitated or freaking out or stressed, that peace is so steady, and it feels a little crazy. 

There is a peace that comes from walking with the Holy Spirit. In John, Jesus says that the Holy Spirit will be sent to teach us all things and that He will leave Him for us. And then the next verse says that Jesus is giving us Peace. Since peace is a fruit of the Spirit, I believe that Jesus was referencing walking with the Holy Spirit. Peace that passes all understanding, that fills us even when we are in unrest. That peace, the Comforter, comes and untangles the knots. 

It never comes when you would expect. I've dropped mugs of coffee and almost had a meltdown, but when my grandpa died, there wasn't a single stormcloud in my heart. It hurt, and I cried, because peace and comfort do not negate the truth of the moment, but my standing in the Holy Spirit kept those natural emotions from spiraling into despair or regret. It was like, I felt the pain of the wound, but it didn't get infected. 

When I heard that my grandpa had died, everything inside of me lurched and immediately went "I need you." to the Holy Spirit. And wouldn't you know it, the Comforter showed up in peace and rest even when I was confused and hurting. It was one of the strangest evenings of my life because I knew that in my own strength, I would have been a mess of anger and pain and I would have become a puddle that was debilitated by my grief. But the Holy Spirit led me through it, and He was there for me to lean on. 

And that's how it was meant to be. God never promised that life would be easy, He never promised that we would understand everything or be perfect or know what to do. In fact, He said the opposite. In His kindness and love for us, He knows how very stupid we are, and He gave us the Holy Spirit. We have the great relief of not relying on our own knowledge or strength. One of the best things I have learned this year is how weak and stupid I am on my own. It is the most relieving thing to just open my heart and say "Here, I can't do it without you." 

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