A Little Random -- Yielding

At this point it feels like I'm a broken record, repeating the same sentiments again and again, but they haven't lost their flavor yet, so I am trusting that it is still sinking in for me. 

As I have previously mentioned, this past year I started learning how little I actually know, how stupid we humans are. 

Now I think I am learning what to do with it, why it matters. Praise God for the Holy Spirit because I consistently feel like He has guided me through each new lesson and understanding, like He is taking me through a lifelong class made just for me. It's silly but it feels really special, He feels very close. It helps me understand a little more how God WANTS me to understand Him, how He wants me to grow and submit and draw closer to Goodness. And His timing is of course perfect. See, I know these things: that God cares and His timing is perfect, but it's another thing entirely to see it actually changing my life and my heart, to feel His activeness in my process. 

ANYWAY: this morning I woke up forty-five minutes before my alarm to gold washing over my light blue walls. something about it sent a jolt through my body and suddenly I was wide awake, grabbing my glasses, so excited to see the beauty of this specific morning. And the world did not disappoint: the sun had covered every inch of sky in brilliant butter-yellow and poppy-orange. That is a representation of God! It reminded me how much this world is still God's, His beauty and power and glory like a marinade that never loses it's flavor. 

We are so so small in this world, in the roiling changes and chaos and vast space and deep ocean and all the unknowns and randomness. I don't think we realize how random the world is. We like to order it and categorize it in some illusion of control, but it is so so random. We have no control, no real say. I think that would feel very confusing and overwhelming if I didn't know that someone else has got me. It almost reminds me of how parents plan a trip, all the details and destinations, and a kid is just along for the ride, experiencing it all but at the mercy of an unknown itinerary, trusting that their parents know what is happening next. God is not a puppet master, neither is He a respecter of persons (which means, you are not special), but no matter what does happen, God is with us, which means that good is still with us. 

I think for me I've been learning that I need to yield to God, and I don't want that to populate a bunch of preconceived ideas of  what we think yielding means, or what we have seen others act like in the name of "yielding", -- which for me brings ideas of feeling special or better than others because I have "yielded" to God. That's so fleshy and pathetic. I think I will always have to actively fight self-righteousness, and it would be easy for my pride to hate that, to feel bad for that, but I would much rather let it bring me closer to Jesus. I would much rather say "See? This is why I need Jesus so much constantly." 

"Yielding" to me right now makes me think of accepting His correction and conviction. It is such a blessing that we are not groping in the dark, but that He wants us to succeed, and He gave us the Holy Spirit -- and the Bible -- so that we know what to do. If you want the Holy Spirit's correction, He is so merciful, and He will bring it swiftly, and you'll wonder if it was your own thought, but I tend to not be as logical and truthful and grounded as the Holy Spirit's voice in my mind. And if you accept it for the truth that it is, if you do not try to defend your sin, His voice will grow stronger and your heart will get softer and softer and soon you will look for Him everywhere. You will love it when He speaks, and you will smile when it's silent because my goodness it is so nice to have a friend to be with you. I can promise you -- and even better, the Bible promises -- that the Holy Spirit was sent to teach us. 

I want to let go of my stupid assumptions about myself, about my own importance or intelligence or holiness. I want to relearn the world apart from my self-focused view of everything. I want to take myself out of the picture. If I'm being honest that feels impossible and a little obnoxious in a goody two-shoes kind of way, but I am going to keep fighting self-righteousness, and I trust the Holy Spirit to teach me.