My Future pt 2.

I am 19. This is my last year of being a teenager, which is super uncomfortable and lowkey terrifying. 

I have always struggled with my future in various capacities, but recently, all of that uncertainty and trying to trust God and anxiety and fear of losing my precious dreams has been building and became too obvious for me to not solve and work out. 

I am constantly so amazed by God's timing, and I feel so close and cared for by the Holy Spirit. 

I had a few days where I was home alone, and spiraled pretty hard. I was listless, fearful, unmotivated, and anxious. I ate anything I could find and watched childhood TV shows to try and find some source of comfort (which, now that I'm writing that, I am feeling convicted that I didn't go to The source of Comfort. I wanted easy, I wanted fleshy comfort. But there is grace for that, and He still made Himself obvious, and He still came through for me. wow).

I've also been realizing that my self-image preservation is deeply rooted in pride, and I am still trying to present something false to others, something based on my own merit. It really sucks. 

I remember when I was first learning how to drive, it dragged on for a long time because I kept putting it off. I said it was because I was busy. That was a partial truth, but the other part was that I was scared. I felt inadequate and unsure and I was scared to mess up and hurt myself or someone else. Did I ever tell anyone that? No, because pride tells me that is shameful and stupid.  I feel like I should be able to deal with and overcome and figure out everything, just me and God, but the Holy Spirit is teaching me otherwise. 

I advertise myself as a vulnerable person, but I am only "vulnerable" about the topics I am comfortable with. Like, I could take about my fear of rejection, fear of being unwanted, my mistakes and sin, etc etc until the cows come home. But talking about my uncertainty with the future? My precious dreams that I am so protective of? That is a frayed nerve. 

BUT on an impulse (though I suspect it was a nudge from the Holy Spirit), I asked both my parents for help (which is another sign that I'm pretty sure it was the Holy Spirit because usually I would not be vulnerable in front of my father). For the next hour they listened to me crying and choking out my concerns and uncertainty, my hopelessness. They listened, and they helped me solve it, they helped me! And it was amazing and just what I needed, and I don't feel like I'm floundering anymore. 

The Holy Spirit cares for you. He will teach you and lead you to what you need. 

Stomp on pride; ask for help.