Becoming Twenty

This past year of my life, my last year of being a teenager, has felt so different than anything else. Life has picked up in a way that I wasn't really expecting, for better or worse. But more than that, I feel like my inner life has changed far more, my heart and my attitude are being sanded down to something smoother, more even and unafraid. I am not afraid of my bad moods, I am not afraid of my tears, I am not afraid of the ups and downs, I know that I am not alone in it. 

But what is amazing about me knowing that is that I have spent the least amount of time with God this year than ever before, but I still feel Him working in me, when I haven't done anything to earn it (not that we could ever, but sometimes I think I can). 

Discovering the truth of who God is will be a lifelong pursuit, but especially this year, He has made Himself known to me, His heart for me in the littlest ways. He is showing me that my foundation is Him, that He has grown something good in me and that His love does not lessen based on my actions. Again, a truth that I know I'll have to learn and relearn a million times because it goes against everything we see from others. 

He is grounding me in Himself, revealing my roots. 

This is a lifelong relationship, and when I am mystified at why He continues to be for me in every moment when I am doing the bare minimum, the Holy Spirit whispers "This isn't fragile." Our relationship isn't fragile, and it's in those moments that I can see the rest of my life walking closely with God in a very real way. 

If I only feel spiritual or close to God when I am having an uninterrupted quiet time or Bible Study, then I have a relationship with God based on my feelings. I am called to be close even when I am not in the mood. 

Right now, as autumn is settling into it's rhythm of change, and the sky is a dusty white dripping rain on summer's lush green landscape, I feel very grounded myself in the physical world around me. Not in a shortsighted way or a way that pushes out the spiritual reality that there is so much that I don't see, but in a way that honors creation, I think. I feel very keenly that everything around me is created because random chance and the resulting chaos could not be this beautiful. And if everything around me is created, and I am created, then we are all dependent on the same Creator. That is a very peaceful thought to me. 

 I know that I only have the Holy Spirit to thank for where I am right now, where my mindset is, and how satisfied I feel with life. I feel young in a hopeful way, like I have so much future with God ahead of me. 

Part of me envies old age, envies the perspective and evenness that comes with it. That through the ups and downs of life, there is a knowledge, a centeredness in the fact that God is the same and people are the same and He knows better. I know that God just gets better with experience and life, and I can't wait to see it all, to add more and more stories to the long list of times that He has been faithful and good and stayed by my side in a very real way. 

As much as I have envied some people's dramatic testimonies, I am so grateful for mine. God had to get through an insecure teenager's pride and fear and religion and false associations of who He is. He got through all that and taught me the truth which means that I get to go into my twenties with security and love always by my side, knowing that I am not alone and I have no pressure. 

I can't wait until I can look back on my twenties and laugh about how little I knew and how naïve and sincere and dramatic and emotional I was, because that's how I feel about my teenage years now. But unlike how I used to feel about my past stupidity, I'm not embarrassed or cringing because I know I'm stupid now and there's grace and love for it all. I know that God fault me for my ignorance, and He loves me like a parent loves their child. And I know that is the most overused and cliche comparison but it is overused for a reason. 

Every day on my drive home from work, I turn on my worship music and recently I've been overwhelmed by how immediately fully present the Holy Spirit is. I feel so lucky, so cared for. In a season of my life where I am figuring out how to balance all the important things, the Holy Spirit is still supporting me, giving freely and fully in such a small moment of my awareness. 

 I am so grateful to be entering my twenties without the anxiety that I thought would follow. There's no pressure in a life lived by God's standards. wow I love my God. And I'm really excited to be twenty and to grow up with God right by my heart the whole time.