Our Own Judgement pt. 2

 Entering my 20s feels really special and really new, not just because of the novelty of being two decades, but I feel like there has been an invitation to mark this new decade with some foundational growth, again. My teenage years were all discovery and amazement and big emotions that I didn't know I was allowed to have, and now...

I want to step aside, I want to take a back seat and quiet whatever keeps me from hearing God. I'm starting to learn what being a lamb in a world of wolves can mean for me, the softness and genuine gentleness that I am reaching for, that I feel every time I focus on God. It is the peace and love of the Comforter, which maybe sounds unattainable to strive to bring others the peace of the Holy Spirit, but...the Bible said that He would teach us all things so I don't know why He would hold that back. 

I want to be gentle, I don't want to be quick to judgement or opinion. I've always had opinions, I was raised in a family that wasn't overtly prideful, but we all kind of acted like our way was the best way. Though I suspect that's more of just a human thing. 

I want to listen before I speak, and I want to seek the Holy Spirit in everything I do. And I do mean everything because it should be such a deep habit. I've written about this before but it is still new, it is still important and exciting to me. I want a John 16 kind of relationship with the Holy Spirit, a practical, filling thing. He is not mystical in the way of chanting and crystals and feelings guiding the way, but He is mysterious, He moves in the deep and in unspoken truths that move across your soul like mist. It sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud but it makes sense when you feel it. It requires an open handed faith that doesn't take itself too seriously. Sometimes He is a little more vague (or maybe sometimes we just don't know how to listen as well): maybe it's indigestion, maybe it's the Holy Spirit. And sometimes He speaks clearly and you begin to understand how characters in the Bible heard God so clearly. I know it's a lot of maybes, and a lot of trust because He knows, which means I don't have to. He knows. 

In every interaction with other human hearts, I want to seek the Holy Spirit because He knows. I take a lot of joy and relief in the fact that I get to be a student for the rest of my life, I am not expected to ever be perfect or master life. He will be my teacher for the rest of my life. 

I crave wisdom, which is a miracle in and of itself. I crave a slower way of knowing God, a less emotional ups and downs, a more grounded and every day reaching for Him.  

He is never finished, and that leaves so much wide open. 

I don't know if any of this makes sense and I'm 90% percent sure that I've said it all before. 

The older I get, the less I know, the less sure of myself I become, which is a mercy. I have made a lot of claims based on my own ideas or vain imaginations. I may have tripped into truth but it was an accident. He is the only constant, He is the only true measure of anything, the rest of us are distorted by the lives we've lived. He is the only one smart enough, the only one with actual perspective. We can't get there on our own. 

I pray that the Holy Spirit is softening the things I've held so steadfastly apart from God. Soften me to your voice, God, soften me to your way. I don't want me to get in the way anymore. Holy Spirit teach me.