March (yep we're still doing this)

I've been neglecting the Baptist Christianity that I grew up with, the somber and deep love for the correct ways of God. The Proverbs kind of faith that is the fruit of the relationship. 
I haven't known how to combine both ways of relating to God: the ethereal, every breath holy because He walks with me, grace and freedom, feelingsy faith that I am now so comfortable living in, with the freedom within boundaries, submission and obedience, fear of the Lord faith that I was afraid of. 

I think I was afraid of it because when I was younger that I was all I knew and it felt devoid of life, but God is not just what I want Him to be, He is all of it. And I have felt a desire to move into the quieter, grounded obedience of submitting my feelings and flesh to God's way. 
I know that is an easy thing to say, and it feels good to say it because it's "righteous" and then I can pat myself on the back for having great intentions. If I know one thing about God, I know that all those good things that we strive for are realistic and practical. They are not out of reach, they are easily executed in a day to day way that glorifies God. 

A wall that I have run into is the fact that it's not going to feel good. The progressive Christianity that I've allowed to creep into my thinking a little says that if it doesn't feel good it must not be from God, that God's ways are easy. But let's remember Jesus's life. I forget that I can just look to Jesus's life and see the manual to everything. He went to the cross. And it was beautiful and righteous and torture. God didn't make it painless. It didn't feel good, Jesus didn't get to wait until He was ready. He had a mission to fulfill and He had to get on board, knowing all the pain and unimaginable suffering it would bring. 

God loves to bless us and God is good, but we have to expand our definition of blessings and goodness. The refining fire is good, knowing Jesus in His suffering is a blessing. Submission is freedom and repentance is mercy. 
I'll be fighting my human definitions of heavenly things until the day I die. Holy Spirit, don't let me forget to fight it, help me to fight my own passiveness. 

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