June (so we skipped a month, whatevs)

 Haha oops, oh well. 


Two things. 

1. I don't think I want to write a devotional anymore. I remember I used to feel like I had so much wisdom and important insight from a never-before-closeness with the Holy Spirit that the world needed. Can you say prideful? Well, not really. I know it was from a well-meaning place of excitement about my new relationship with the Holy Spirit. I was actually feeling the fruit of that relationship for the first time and I assumed that if everyone else felt it too, Christianity would be revived to it's former glory. I was young and stupid, and I still am young and stupid, but hopefully I know it a little better now. 

All that to say, I really don't feel like I have much to say. If I ever did write a devotional, I would want to be much older with much more life lived with God. I would want to be able to lay my life out and say "See? Look at how much I have needed God, how little I can do on my own, and how far He has carried me." I don't want to write a devotional out of pride, out of "look how spiritual I am" because that is exactly where it would come from right now. 

I don't know anything. And I don't want to. I get the remarkable mercy of depending on God. 

2. He is the reward. 

That is what has been marinating in my brain and heart for the past week or so, and it's what I want to keep dwelling on because that perspective has slipped my mind for so long. 

I want to die to myself, not so that I am more righteous or so I can get into heaven, but so that I can more closely know God. It is for relationship and fruit. The fruit of our lives should also be a motivator. Not in striving, but because I want to see the lives of others touched by God's love, and I am His hands. That's a scary thought. 

Anyway, I'm learning more and more that I am not special and He is the only thing worth reaching for. 

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