July

 Hmm, this month was a bit of everything. 

I think I learned that I don't really know much about love or vulnerability. That I'm scared of it. 

EXAMPLE: My brother told us that he bought a ring for his girlfriend and before I could even register what that meant, my body felt a pang of fear as my first thought was "that's forever. you can't get out of that." Of course my second thought was being happy for them. 

Love, and marriage, is dependent on vulnerability. It is dependent on "this is my heart, without cynicism, without sarcasm, without protection. It is in your hands." It is giving others control over you.

I like feeling in control, of myself, of my time, of the world around me. It makes me feel safe. I see self-reliance as a good thing. That is obviously from fear and pride. 

Fear of being let down, of being rejected, of losing something, of being asked to sacrifice too much. 

Pride because I think deep down that I am better on my own and no one else can quite understand the uniqueness and complexity and depth that I believe I have. I believe that I will always be the most emotionally mature, I will always love the most, and I will always know best. So if no one else really has anything to offer me except companionship, then why wouldn't I just be happier on my own? 

But all those reasons are exactly the thing that shows I need others, that I need friendships and relationships that force me to look outside myself, that force me to grow. 

I don't think I know what unperformed vulnerability looks like. Because even when I have been vulnerable, I have observed it and tried to present it and myself in a certain way so that I could control how others saw me, therefore killing the genuine vulnerability. The times that I have felt vulnerability unperformed, I have felt small and helpless and afraid, like a perpetual 12 year old begging "love me love me love me". 

The simplicity of that feels shameful which makes me want to hide it, also it doesn't feel rational or emotionally mature, and I want others to see me as rational and emotionally mature so to try and control the image that others see, I will stuff that down and only share that in my journal. 

The Holy Spirit touched on the verses that say "unless you become like children, you will not receive the kingdom of heaven." At the time I understood only what I could, and it was what I needed at the time, but then I forgot it/moved on, and now we're back for round two, I guess. 

I love the Holy Spirit's perfect timing. So what started as seeing my resistance to vulnerability is now turning into understanding more of how to come to God, and in turn, others. Humility because I have lost my shame and pride. God help me. 


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