September

 sooo my sister had a baby (and I find a way to bring it into every conversation)

with that came a lot of pain and love and teaching moments. 

1. Hudson, my nephew. This is one of the wildest things I have ever experienced. Forget bungee jumping and hiking on the spine of a mountain, watching the sunrise over Diablo lake or sunsets lighting the ocean on fire, none of that has felt as intense. (I know that's dramatic but all of my feelings towards him are very dramatic)

I watched my sister hold a baby that I knew was technically my nephew. He was cute, he was small, he was fussy. Then she asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes even though I was nervous. Then he was put in my arms and all those cheesy moments that you see in movies and tv shows happened at once. I immediately and uncontrollably loved him completely, like...I would throw myself in front of anything lethal if he asked. I know a large part of it is biological for the survival of the young of the species, BUT it was also pure love. Like, there was no complication of my flesh and his flesh clashing, there was not a single selfish or self-focused thought in my head. It was literally just pure love. 

2. Giving birth is hard. Your body goes through battle. When my sister was being helped out of bed by the midwives, shuffling to the bathroom, having to stop partway through to breath through the pain as she was holding her stomach to keep her intestines from shifting around (literally), I was once again overwhelmed with a cheesy, intense love, but this time it took form as "I wish I could take all of your pain just so you never had to feel this again." If there was a way for me to take any of it, I would have jumped at the chance. I just wanted her to be not in pain, happy, and able to move without fear of tearing stitches and more immense pain. I wanted her to not be in pain so much that I was in pain. 

also, someone who I love struggles with addiction relapsed. the conversation was eye opening for me, not for reasons you would expect. 

Here's what I journaled immediately after: "I think I understand loving someone for who they are and not what they do. The whole time *person* was talking, I just felt this pressure in my chest of how much I loved this person. *person* is deeply and intrinsically tied to my heart, and I trust them in a way I don't trust anyone else. I don't understand it all, and I don't have any tidy closing thoughts, I just love *person* a lot. And I know you can't love things away, but you can love them through, and with heart wide open and no expectations. Not in a "I don't expect much from you" kind of way, but a "it doesn't even matter because it doesn't affect my love for you"."

As soon as I finished writing that, knowing how strongly I felt it, the Holy Spirit pricked my heart. If I can love that way, then how much more strongly and perfectly does God love me that way? It's a very not-human kind of love. We are selfish and only like people as much as they stay in our good graces. But that is not God's love. 

I doubt God's love a lot. I doubt that He can still care and want to pursue me after how much I have put before Him, but then the Holy Spirit gives me those amazing gifts of perspective and I am humbled. Who am I to think that anything I do can affect His love? I've written those exact words before, and it meant something different to me then, and it will mean something different to me when I write them again in a few months or years. The mystery of God, the contradiction and confusing grace, all the things just outside my scope of comprehension... It makes relationship with Him exciting, He is never boring. 

this month I experienced love in ways that I haven't before. I think it was selfless love, which I don't think I have been able to give others very often. It is very humbling to see that things I thought were easy, like just loving someone, is something I am still learning. No one ever said I was bright.

I can call back to those feelings and experiences when I am faltering. It has helped clarify my tangible view of God and the potential of the Christian walk.