"Identity is a prison."

I like defining who I am. I grew up in an age of Buzzfeed quizzes that tell you exactly what type of food, what type of flower, or which Disney princess you are. I grew up in the height of identifying with your Hogwarts house and demigod cabin. I grew up sharing my MBTI type, clinging to the title of introvert as a club that I was a part of, and when the Enneagram came along, diving in to find myself in that as well. I identified myself as a writer for so long that when I stopped writing I felt disconnected from myself. 

There are so many things that we tell ourselves we are. We are good, we are kind, we are this and that, and when we do something that goes against those beliefs, we feel as though we have failed or let ourselves or God down in some way. 

okay, these thoughts are not fully formed but I am grasping at something. 

I am not my own. I don't want my own identity. I want to lose "me". I am a fallen, fleshy human that needs grace over and over. God bridges the gap for me when I need to act in "goodness". 

If I am trying to define who I am, I also limit how I can grow or fail because it rubs against what I thought of myself. 

I think self-reflection is important to a point. I think it is only helpful as long as the self-reflection is to try and look more like Jesus and know Him better, not just fix ourselves. 

The point I am trying to get at is I don't want to know myself, I don't want to have a defined little list of who I am and what I like and how I act. I want to constantly lean on the mercy of God and exist to be the small human I know I am. I am not called to some special ordination. I am not a chosen one. I don't have to revolutionize the world and I don't have to constantly work on myself to be the best version of myself I can be. 

I want to experience joy and failure and look to God, not myself. I don't want to know "me", I want to be an amorphous reflection of God and the vibrancy and variety of life. I don't need to be good at stuff, I just want to try everything and love everyone and float through life. 
...I sound high. I promise I'm not. 

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