The Two Weeks

 This is a wild and mundane and revealing process. 

God is good. 

I am seeing God's design for marriage, or at least, my own experience of it. I feel a lot of stirring in my heart, a lot of calling to better things, I'm just still even figuring out what those things are. 

There's a lot of pride, I know that much. A lot of opinions and selfishness. There's so much of me, and there's times I see it, and times I don't. I feel the weight of my stupidity; I am beginning to see the damage that my stupidity and my hastiness brings. It is no longer just me. It is us. 

By the grace of God, He is helping me. He is giving me tastes and nudges in the right direction, and I am grateful. I know it's in His time, and this is a sweet process, and it matters how we grow this. It matters so much how we grow this. 

Dear Jesus, Holy Spirit that walks with us, I pray that you would guide the roots, help this foundation be strong. I am not afraid of conflict or hardship but I am afraid of sickness, and if I do not let myself be changed by You, it will bring sickness. I pray humility, and a soft heart. I am so willful and immature. This will only survive if we offer ourselves to You daily. Daily. 

1. I need to pray more.

2. I want to be slow to speak. 

3. I want to protect the seed. 


Teach me to hunger. Continue to teach me hunger. The habit will bring the hunger and I haven't tended the habit, but I am still asking. 

And I am a very miserable hearted person if I do not get my way. I grumble within myself. The joy of the living God is my strength, and if I am not walking in joy then I am walking in weakness. Dear God, I have been weak in Spirit and in character. 

I am struggling with discontentment and judgement against my husband. Like I think I know what he should be doing, and that I am better than him somehow. Dear God. Help. 

It is the prayer I will pray over and over. Help. Help. 

And I pray that you would teach me how to receive that help. We pray prayers of help and then continue to do our own will and think our own thoughts, no submission or even consideration. 

Thank you Lord. I think back on the girl who You drew close over and over, and I don't even have words for it. Thank you. I feel you, despite my best efforts to the opposite, growing me into the woman I want to be. I resist you and yet You still are working in me for my own good. 

You are the great Mystery. and I am mystified. 

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