Grace for Grace

This is where we start getting to my favorite part: brutal honesty. Growing up in a Baptist church, I internalized a very sanitized, prim and proper reverence towards God, but in the Psalms, seemingly disrespectful, blasphemous verses are a part of the reverence. If I believe that anything I could say to God would shake Him, or cause Him to love me less, then I believe in a weak, small god. It is because I so completely know His commitment to me, His holiness and greatness, that I feel no fear in voicing something in my heart that is potentially blasphemous. And clearly David & Co. felt the same thing. BRUTAL HONESTY: What fascinates me about David's relationship with God is that in Psalm 18, David experiences God's saving power. "In my distress I  cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him." "...He bowed the heavens, and came down: and darkness was under His feet." "...He took me, He drew me out of many wat...

(What I really wanted someone to tell me, so instead of talking it out with an actual person, I sat on the edge of the bathtub at 11:00pm and cried next to a gnome, writing it in the notes app.) It's okay if you are still afraid and sometimes that fear makes you do crazy things. It's okay that you are desperate for love and acceptance and so so terrified to lose it. It's okay if you're reactive and sensitive, overwhelmingly so. It's okay if you don't have an exact reason for your fear or your feelings. It's okay if the panic that rises up hasn't gone away yet. None of it invalidates your progress or position in God's eyes. Your heart is not a mystery to Him. It's okay if you get confused by all this. It is okay if you are not a complete human yet, and no one is going to love you less for it. It's okay if all this is being brought to the surface and new for you, too. It's okay if you need comfort and it's not for something big. Th...

It is easy to get caught up in the idea that we glorify God by being closer than anyone else has ever been, and it's really easy to feel that way because when we experience God in new ways, it feels like it's ours and only ours and it's so fully validating and filling that we think "This is the object of the Christian walk, to be deeper and deeper with God, and the sign of deeper and deeper is these spiritual encounters." um. no. all of that feels good, and is great in moderation, but if we think feeling tingly or having visions or dreams from God, or even hearing God's voice, is the goal, then we have not read our Bible well enough. John 15:8 says "Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit." That feels pretty clear to me. Just a few verses ealier, in the whole "He is Divine, we are de branches." (haha, just a little plant humor for ya) section, he is so clear that when we grow, He rewards that with pruning for more growt...

(new thing I'm doing. sharing some stuff from my journal that I feel is relevant. kind of relevant? it's whatever.) It's amazing how my heart has softened, almost annoyingly so. I feel so much more sensitive. I can't handle actual horror movies; they feel wrong, they feel abrasive and heavy. War movies feel so so wrong, like a violation of both sides humanity and purpose. Kindness makes me cry because it is so good. I want to embrace "be a lamb in a world of wolves", but I also sometimes feel embarrassed that I have become so soft, crying easily, turning away from violence, from the ugliness of sin. I remember when I was younger, I thought being grown up meant being able to watch violence and sex and language and all of it with no problem, but that no longer feels even a little bit true. It's a strange shift for me, letting go of the self that wants to be seen as grown up and tough, like nothing phases me. Now everything phases me. I am extremely re...

Music has been a huge way that God has spoken to me. Certain songs have ushered in certain shifts in my heart. I Will Be Still (Spontaneous) - This was the song that calmed my stress and spiraling thoughts when I was in a season of unrest and panic. It was something I sung out of desperation, and then out of resigned acceptance. You Never Miss a Moment (Spontaneous) pt1.  - Jesus died on the cross so we could be close. Obviously my entire life will be a process of learning that, but this song helped make the vague outline of Jesus in my life a bit more tangible. There doesn't have to be some grand revelation or life-altering breakthrough for Jesus to be there. He wants to sit with us, to talk, to be close not for any other reason than that I love Him, and He loves me, and we enjoy each other. I have shown up for focused time with Him basically every morning for the past 2 years, and I am seeing the fruit of that. If I show up, I know that He will. I have called and He has answe...

We as limited humans apply our experience with love and relationships and push it on God. When I sin against my sister, I know she still loves me and accepts my apology, but there is still a period of time of guilt where I don't allow myself to interact with her freely and I imagine she's still upset/disappointed. When I sin against God, I have applied the same principle. I apologize, and then lower my head in guilt, not daring to interact freely, inflicting a short period of time where I don't go to God because I need to get "holy" again. To think that I could trick God into thinking that I am anything but undeserving and sinful by separating myself so that I can become "holy" again before I go to Him, is actually the dumbest. It just is. The only thing I am doing by not being fully engaged with Him is creating my own punishment, saying that God doesn't know best because if He did He would have punished me Himself. The only thing that I am accom...

"He is KIND to the ungrateful and evil." - Luke 6:35 I love that the word "kind" was used here. "Ungrateful" and "evil" are such strong words, strong spiritual deficiencies with pretty despicable symptoms. Yet instead of "judgement", or "tough love", or even "merciful" which are all forceful good, the word "kind" is gentle, a soft touch that holds the force of mercy and the all consuming love with a sweetness that the ungrateful and evil do not deserve. Love is powerful enough to transform without the fear of punishment or judgement. Love is the only thing that transforms, it is big, and sweeping, and you are in the middle of it before you knew you had started. Kindness is the front door, the invitation, gentle and subtle and sweet. Kindness ushers us into grace, but kindness is the doorstep, where it becomes our choice to respond or not, and if we do respond to that kindness, the door opens, and grace ...