Grace for Grace

(new thing I'm doing. sharing some stuff from my journal that I feel is relevant. kind of relevant? it's whatever.) It's amazing how my heart has softened, almost annoyingly so. I feel so much more sensitive. I can't handle actual horror movies; they feel wrong, they feel abrasive and heavy. War movies feel so so wrong, like a violation of both sides humanity and purpose. Kindness makes me cry because it is so good. I want to embrace "be a lamb in a world of wolves", but I also sometimes feel embarrassed that I have become so soft, crying easily, turning away from violence, from the ugliness of sin. I remember when I was younger, I thought being grown up meant being able to watch violence and sex and language and all of it with no problem, but that no longer feels even a little bit true. It's a strange shift for me, letting go of the self that wants to be seen as grown up and tough, like nothing phases me. Now everything phases me. I am extremely re...

Music has been a huge way that God has spoken to me. Certain songs have ushered in certain shifts in my heart. I Will Be Still (Spontaneous) - This was the song that calmed my stress and spiraling thoughts when I was in a season of unrest and panic. It was something I sung out of desperation, and then out of resigned acceptance. You Never Miss a Moment (Spontaneous) pt1.  - Jesus died on the cross so we could be close. Obviously my entire life will be a process of learning that, but this song helped make the vague outline of Jesus in my life a bit more tangible. There doesn't have to be some grand revelation or life-altering breakthrough for Jesus to be there. He wants to sit with us, to talk, to be close not for any other reason than that I love Him, and He loves me, and we enjoy each other. I have shown up for focused time with Him basically every morning for the past 2 years, and I am seeing the fruit of that. If I show up, I know that He will. I have called and He has answe...

We as limited humans apply our experience with love and relationships and push it on God. When I sin against my sister, I know she still loves me and accepts my apology, but there is still a period of time of guilt where I don't allow myself to interact with her freely and I imagine she's still upset/disappointed. When I sin against God, I have applied the same principle. I apologize, and then lower my head in guilt, not daring to interact freely, inflicting a short period of time where I don't go to God because I need to get "holy" again. To think that I could trick God into thinking that I am anything but undeserving and sinful by separating myself so that I can become "holy" again before I go to Him, is actually the dumbest. It just is. The only thing I am doing by not being fully engaged with Him is creating my own punishment, saying that God doesn't know best because if He did He would have punished me Himself. The only thing that I am accom...

"He is KIND to the ungrateful and evil." - Luke 6:35 I love that the word "kind" was used here. "Ungrateful" and "evil" are such strong words, strong spiritual deficiencies with pretty despicable symptoms. Yet instead of "judgement", or "tough love", or even "merciful" which are all forceful good, the word "kind" is gentle, a soft touch that holds the force of mercy and the all consuming love with a sweetness that the ungrateful and evil do not deserve. Love is powerful enough to transform without the fear of punishment or judgement. Love is the only thing that transforms, it is big, and sweeping, and you are in the middle of it before you knew you had started. Kindness is the front door, the invitation, gentle and subtle and sweet. Kindness ushers us into grace, but kindness is the doorstep, where it becomes our choice to respond or not, and if we do respond to that kindness, the door opens, and grace ...

Ah, pride. The sneakiest of the seven deadly sins. It is a subtle attacker that digs its hook into your every motivation and belief. Even if you win one battle against it, you can almost guarantee that it will win the next, and later you will realize that it actually did win the battle, just in a more subtle way. Pride is the hardest to overcome (I think), because no matter how potent fear is, it is remedied by accepting love and declaring who you are over the situation. Pride can survive that. Pride hides and lurks and swims under the water. Once you realize what it tastes like, the foul taste is everywhere. I hate pride, I hate it so much, yet I allow it to rule my life. I cooperate with it because in the moment, it feels good. And the layers are so subtle. Self-righteousness, which seems to be pride's favorite manifestation in my life, can be so self-aware. Like, I will realize that I am being self-righteous, and then feel self-righteous about recognizing it. And then I...

The Holy Spirit is in us. That is profound. It should change how we live every single day. I think we forget that the crescendo of the cross is the Holy Spirit. The Comforter. It says in John that it is better for us that Jesus died and went away so we could have the Holy Spirit. I freaking love the Holy Spirit. He is so weird to have a relationship with because He is, no matter how close, always going to be a mystery. Even though He is a person, a part of the Trinity, the Holy Spirit of God that holds God's own heart for us, He is still a Force Unknown, an intangible thing. weird. Yet I am so convinced of His presence and power in my life. It feels almost silly for me to be writing on the Holy Spirit since I am just beginning my relationship with Him, but I do know that no matter what stage you are at in your growth, He wants more. He wants to be depended on for everything, to ease our wonderings and stress. He wants everything, and He is for everything. His purpose is relat...

I'm going to start out by saying that I don't understand the Trinity, and I don't think that my finite mind will. The idea of three separate persons, but also one person, still separate, all together, is actual gibberish. Anyway, because I didn't understand the Trinity and didn't want to say the wrong thing, I would always refer to God, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit as a vague "Lord". The blanket term. It's kind of like calling Satan or demons "the enemy". It added distance for me, safety in case I messed up terminology or sounded too "woo-woo". But that sanitized distance wasn't good enough for God. My first encounter with God was with the paternal, crushingly close love of a Father. It felt like something was released in me, and something was pressed upon me at the same time. That framed my picture of the grand galaxy God that loves so completely. God the Father. Then I was swept up into a long season of discovering Jes...