Grace for Grace

My October last year was...wild. I kind of wish I could just write about that instead, but...we're sticking to the program here.  Anyway, last October was like life turned to full brightness. The season of fall was in full bloom, everything looked like a perpetual postcard. My emotional and spiritual life felt like it was bubbling over constantly in a very attention demanding way. It was vibrant and revealing and exciting and it changed me in ways that I still can't fully describe.  This October is quieter, steadier. My guess is it is some of the fruit from last year. I'm turning 21, and because I am sentimental, that has everything to do with my emotional and spiritual state.  I've always struggled with things changing. Death, losing friends, getting older, etc. I felt like one by one things would be taken from me until I was old and had no connections, no ties to anyone. Because of that, I've kind of expected all of my relationships to be taken from me in one way ...

 sooo my sister had a baby (and I find a way to bring it into every conversation) with that came a lot of pain and love and teaching moments.  1. Hudson, my nephew. This is one of the wildest things I have ever experienced. Forget bungee jumping and hiking on the spine of a mountain, watching the sunrise over Diablo lake or sunsets lighting the ocean on fire, none of that has felt as intense. (I know that's dramatic but all of my feelings towards him are very dramatic) I watched my sister hold a baby that I knew was technically my nephew. He was cute, he was small, he was fussy. Then she asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes even though I was nervous. Then he was put in my arms and all those cheesy moments that you see in movies and tv shows happened at once. I immediately and uncontrollably loved him completely, like...I would throw myself in front of anything lethal if he asked. I know a large part of it is biological for the survival of the young of the species, BUT it ...

This month saw the introduction of lordship into my psyche. I started reading "Holier Than Thou" by Jackie Hill Perry, and she is going to word all this so much better than I could. I've obviously heard that God is the Creator of the universe and all-powerful and has all authority, and I have believed it whole heartedly, but I don't think that something of that magnitude can be understood by our might alone.  The Holy Spirit gave me the grace of getting a little taste of perspective. When I say a little taste, I really do mean it. Because that taste of real belief and understanding turned into fact and is enough for me to mull on and turn to over and over. I DON"T WANT THAT TO SOUND ALL PRETENTIOUS BECAUSE IT ISN"T. If anything, I think it's a part of becoming childlike.  When I say "lordship", I mean not just that God is holy, but that in that perfection, in that holiness, in His total authority, it means that total obedience is not just a goo...

 Hmm, this month was a bit of everything.  I think I learned that I don't really know much about love or vulnerability. That I'm scared of it.  EXAMPLE: My brother told us that he bought a ring for his girlfriend and before I could even register what that meant, my body felt a pang of fear as my first thought was "that's forever. you can't get out of that." Of course my second thought was being happy for them.  Love, and marriage, is dependent on vulnerability. It is dependent on "this is my heart, without cynicism, without sarcasm, without protection. It is in your hands." It is giving others control over you. I like feeling in control, of myself, of my time, of the world around me. It makes me feel safe. I see self-reliance as a good thing. That is obviously from fear and pride.  Fear of being let down, of being rejected, of losing something, of being asked to sacrifice too much.  Pride because I think deep down that I am better on my own and no on...

 Haha oops, oh well.  Two things.  1. I don't think I want to write a devotional anymore. I remember I used to feel like I had so much wisdom and important insight from a never-before-closeness with the Holy Spirit that the world needed. Can you say prideful? Well, not really. I know it was from a well-meaning place of excitement about my new relationship with the Holy Spirit. I was actually feeling the fruit of that relationship for the first time and I assumed that if everyone else felt it too, Christianity would be revived to it's former glory. I was young and stupid, and I still am young and stupid, but hopefully I know it a little better now.  All that to say, I really don't feel like I have much to say. If I ever did write a devotional, I would want to be much older with much more life lived with God. I would want to be able to lay my life out and say "See? Look at how much I have needed God, how little I can do on my own, and how far He has carried me." I d...

 wow, April has been a month.  It's been busy, it's been fun, it's been settling and it's been disruptive.  This month has been a lesson in taking one thing at a time and not stressing. Doing what I can.  Last night I was going for a walk, and I was listening to Sails (because what else would it be lol), and I felt the history of my future with God. I felt it, the foundation that has been there, is there, and will be there through every distracted moment and inch of space that I take.  This is a life long relationship, and I felt how little I am right now, how young and fresh in this I am. I have so many years of growth ahead of me, of learning, and He is not in a hurry. 

I've been neglecting the Baptist Christianity that I grew up with, the somber and deep love for the correct ways of God. The Proverbs kind of faith that is the fruit of the relationship.  I haven't known how to combine both ways of relating to God: the ethereal, every breath holy because He walks with me, grace and freedom, feelingsy faith that I am now so comfortable living in, with the freedom within boundaries, submission and obedience, fear of the Lord faith that I was afraid of.  I think I was afraid of it because when I was younger that I was all I knew and it felt devoid of life, but God is not just what I want Him to be, He is all of it. And I have felt a desire to move into the quieter, grounded obedience of submitting my feelings and flesh to God's way.  I know that is an easy thing to say, and it feels good to say it because it's "righteous" and then I can pat myself on the back for having great intentions. If I know one thing about God, I know that...