Grace for Grace

lol. I read this back, and I can see it and remember it a little more clearly for what it was: a kid who loved God and wanted to be closer, and had been shown that the way to be closer was "breakthrough", was big emotional revelations. Those big emotional revelations -- in my mind -- were still something to achieve, something I could do, and it meant that I was making linear progress in my walk with God, because no matter how much I said otherwise, I still craved milestones and achievements that proved I was more set free than others.  A Bit of Backstory: January of 2017 -  I was wondering why I felt like I was in the same place I had been for years, and searching for some magical quote or phrase that could fix my stagnant heart. Somehow I stumbled across a song:  Pieces by Steffany Gretzinger. The moment those first few notes started playing, I burst into tears. I felt something so intense and scary and all-at-once powerful, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that ...

Haha, so this is a post I wrote but never published. I wrote it...maybe three years ago? If not longer lol A lot has changed in me, and I would like to think I've gained more perspective and maturity. Let's see if I actually have.   I fully believe that grace is the message of my life. Do ya now? You believe that you have special claim to knowing God's grace like no one else? You? haha no. More accurately, you want to feel spiritual, you want to feel like your story is unique. And you want to emulate the spiritual leaders you are listening to right now, which means you need a message for your life, an over arching theme. It has settled into the cracks of my heart like nothing else, revealing how much I lack it, and how much it can solve. The first part of that sentence sounds good, but I don't really know what I meant by "cracks of my heart" lol  I did and still do lack it, and it can solve so much, that's true.  My name is Evangeline Grace, or "b...

I like defining who I am. I grew up in an age of Buzzfeed quizzes that tell you exactly what type of food, what type of flower, or which Disney princess you are. I grew up in the height of identifying with your Hogwarts house and demigod cabin. I grew up sharing my MBTI type, clinging to the title of introvert as a club that I was a part of, and when the Enneagram came along, diving in to find myself in that as well. I identified myself as a writer for so long that when I stopped writing I felt disconnected from myself.  There are so many things that we tell ourselves we are. We are good, we are kind, we are this and that, and when we do something that goes against those beliefs, we feel as though we have failed or let ourselves or God down in some way.  okay, these thoughts are not fully formed but I am grasping at something.  I am not my own. I don't want my own identity. I want to lose "me". I am a fallen, fleshy human that needs grace over and over. God bridges the ga...

 My prayer for 2024 is this: I pray that this year I would become starving for God. I have lost my appetite, but it can be trained to hunger, and it can be coaxed out by the best food there is, by the living bread.  I pray for humility that does not ruffle it's feathers at praise.  I pray for kindness that is not self-serving. I do not want to think of myself as kind when I am but a weak imitation of Christ.  I pray that this would be a "I only do as I see my Father do" year. That is a big request to the Holy Spirit because of how far I feel I have drifted in my heart and my affections, but I know You crave closeness and want to teach me how to draw near.  I pray that this would be a year of gratitude, of reimagining the world in what I have and what I don't deserve instead of have nots and wants. I don't want to be reaching for more, I want to revel in what is around me.  I want to be known for kindness and gentleness and seeing the loved Child of God in t...

 Thank you for yogurt hands.  Thank you for the little life, the sapling that I am watching grow into a forest. And he will grow into a forest, with all the watering and care being poured into him.  Thank you for the moments of toddler screaming that revealed ugly parts of me, that revealed just how fleshly and impatient my existence still is. Thank you for the tears in trying to rock a crying baby to sleep, reaching out for You not out of holiness or devotion but out of desperation. Thank you for interuptions that prove holiness isn't just reserved for churches or quiet contemplation. Thank you for every second of self-sacrifice and my will examined and set aside.  Thank you for the pace of slow learning and play. Thank you for the deep breath and release of frustration as loving hands smear yogurt over my sweatshirt. Thank you for the moments of twirling around the kitchen with his little head on my chest that show me Your heart for us, that show me the meaning of ...

 I think it's really funny that this blog started off as me wanting to write a devotional, and I was just feeling so much that I had to write down my thoughts to organize them all.  Praise the Lord that I never went public.  I used to think that I had a theme in my life, a message that I was meant to bring to the masses because I had some sort of God-given, extra-spiritual understanding. I don't fault myself, I was excited and sincere and a little prideful. We've all been there.  But now I know that the message of my life is not a one-word sermon like Grace, or Honesty, or Dependence that comes with a microphone and bullet points.  I now see that the message of my life, my ongoing testimony, is that I mess up over and over, I sin, I forget, I ignore God's direct commandments, etc. I live my life as though He has no impact on everything, as though He has no Lordship, as though He is not the only thing that has kept me afloat all these years, even though: I push H...

December brings a look back at the year. It's both overwhelming and underwhelming.  Honestly, the greatest mercy that God has given me for this month is the lack of panic, the lack of expectations on the holidays and what that should all feel like.  Just because it doesn't feel like what I think it should, or hold all the activities and moods that it has in the past doesn't mean that it is less good or less meaningful.  More than any grand Christmas experience, I'm just really grateful this month. I'm grateful for the birth of Jesus, and the joy of family and togetherness, and the security and safety of my relationship with God, without performance. In the past I would have felt guilty that I didn't cry about the miracle of the manger and all that it brings, but you know what? My tears and emotions do not make that miracle any greater, and my lack of tears does not diminish it. I am not doing God a favor by pretending that I feel more than I do.  Anyway, 2022 wa...