Grace for Grace

 I think it's really funny that this blog started off as me wanting to write a devotional, and I was just feeling so much that I had to write down my thoughts to organize them all.  Praise the Lord that I never went public.  I used to think that I had a theme in my life, a message that I was meant to bring to the masses because I had some sort of God-given, extra-spiritual understanding. I don't fault myself, I was excited and sincere and a little prideful. We've all been there.  But now I know that the message of my life is not a one-word sermon like Grace, or Honesty, or Dependence that comes with a microphone and bullet points.  I now see that the message of my life, my ongoing testimony, is that I mess up over and over, I sin, I forget, I ignore God's direct commandments, etc. I live my life as though He has no impact on everything, as though He has no Lordship, as though He is not the only thing that has kept me afloat all these years, even though: I push H...

December brings a look back at the year. It's both overwhelming and underwhelming.  Honestly, the greatest mercy that God has given me for this month is the lack of panic, the lack of expectations on the holidays and what that should all feel like.  Just because it doesn't feel like what I think it should, or hold all the activities and moods that it has in the past doesn't mean that it is less good or less meaningful.  More than any grand Christmas experience, I'm just really grateful this month. I'm grateful for the birth of Jesus, and the joy of family and togetherness, and the security and safety of my relationship with God, without performance. In the past I would have felt guilty that I didn't cry about the miracle of the manger and all that it brings, but you know what? My tears and emotions do not make that miracle any greater, and my lack of tears does not diminish it. I am not doing God a favor by pretending that I feel more than I do.  Anyway, 2022 wa...

 November is an in between. It is in between the color and novelty of October, and the lights and anticipation of December. It is a month of waiting.  So it's only fitting that this month I be faced with a question from the Holy Spirit. "Is this relationship enough for you without any future promise?" Essentially, I have noticed that trusting God usually comes with conditions. Like "I'm trusting you God, because I believe you will give me good things in the future." and "I'm still banking on this thing that I decided is good for me, but God gets to decide when. His timing is perfect."  Do I believe that God wants to bless us? Hands down. Do I believe His timing is perfect? Always.  But if I am hoping for a relationship or a specific career, the question that I felt this month was very much so "without all that, even if I work in a dead end job, alone, until the day I die, is God enough for me?"  My gut response is yes, but is that tru...

My October last year was...wild. I kind of wish I could just write about that instead, but...we're sticking to the program here.  Anyway, last October was like life turned to full brightness. The season of fall was in full bloom, everything looked like a perpetual postcard. My emotional and spiritual life felt like it was bubbling over constantly in a very attention demanding way. It was vibrant and revealing and exciting and it changed me in ways that I still can't fully describe.  This October is quieter, steadier. My guess is it is some of the fruit from last year. I'm turning 21, and because I am sentimental, that has everything to do with my emotional and spiritual state.  I've always struggled with things changing. Death, losing friends, getting older, etc. I felt like one by one things would be taken from me until I was old and had no connections, no ties to anyone. Because of that, I've kind of expected all of my relationships to be taken from me in one way ...

 sooo my sister had a baby (and I find a way to bring it into every conversation) with that came a lot of pain and love and teaching moments.  1. Hudson, my nephew. This is one of the wildest things I have ever experienced. Forget bungee jumping and hiking on the spine of a mountain, watching the sunrise over Diablo lake or sunsets lighting the ocean on fire, none of that has felt as intense. (I know that's dramatic but all of my feelings towards him are very dramatic) I watched my sister hold a baby that I knew was technically my nephew. He was cute, he was small, he was fussy. Then she asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes even though I was nervous. Then he was put in my arms and all those cheesy moments that you see in movies and tv shows happened at once. I immediately and uncontrollably loved him completely, like...I would throw myself in front of anything lethal if he asked. I know a large part of it is biological for the survival of the young of the species, BUT it ...

This month saw the introduction of lordship into my psyche. I started reading "Holier Than Thou" by Jackie Hill Perry, and she is going to word all this so much better than I could. I've obviously heard that God is the Creator of the universe and all-powerful and has all authority, and I have believed it whole heartedly, but I don't think that something of that magnitude can be understood by our might alone.  The Holy Spirit gave me the grace of getting a little taste of perspective. When I say a little taste, I really do mean it. Because that taste of real belief and understanding turned into fact and is enough for me to mull on and turn to over and over. I DON"T WANT THAT TO SOUND ALL PRETENTIOUS BECAUSE IT ISN"T. If anything, I think it's a part of becoming childlike.  When I say "lordship", I mean not just that God is holy, but that in that perfection, in that holiness, in His total authority, it means that total obedience is not just a goo...

 Hmm, this month was a bit of everything.  I think I learned that I don't really know much about love or vulnerability. That I'm scared of it.  EXAMPLE: My brother told us that he bought a ring for his girlfriend and before I could even register what that meant, my body felt a pang of fear as my first thought was "that's forever. you can't get out of that." Of course my second thought was being happy for them.  Love, and marriage, is dependent on vulnerability. It is dependent on "this is my heart, without cynicism, without sarcasm, without protection. It is in your hands." It is giving others control over you. I like feeling in control, of myself, of my time, of the world around me. It makes me feel safe. I see self-reliance as a good thing. That is obviously from fear and pride.  Fear of being let down, of being rejected, of losing something, of being asked to sacrifice too much.  Pride because I think deep down that I am better on my own and no on...