Grace for Grace

 It's amazing how the Holy Spirit uses music to bypass our human logic and go straight to the heart.  Thank You (Maverick City) - God put in the work for each one of our hearts. He knows what we need and He works so gently. He has changed me so much, and it is wild to remember who I've been at different points of my life. He's made it so easy to be myself, and He is continuing to work in me. That's crazy to me that even though I feel the most connected to Him than I've ever been, I am going to be more connected to Him in the future, I am still growing. I love that. I am so grateful that He does all the work that I could never do, that none of us could do. We need Him, and He responds to our neediness. He will help us as much as we will let Him. Isaiah 41:13 says "For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand,..., Fear not; I will help thee." Does that not sound like a father coming with grace and understanding? We are so cared for. He's the best, and...

 This is a wild and mundane and revealing process.  God is good.  I am seeing God's design for marriage, or at least, my own experience of it. I feel a lot of stirring in my heart, a lot of calling to better things, I'm just still even figuring out what those things are.  There's a lot of pride, I know that much. A lot of opinions and selfishness. There's so much of me, and there's times I see it, and times I don't. I feel the weight of my stupidity; I am beginning to see the damage that my stupidity and my hastiness brings. It is no longer just me. It is us.  By the grace of God, He is helping me. He is giving me tastes and nudges in the right direction, and I am grateful. I know it's in His time, and this is a sweet process, and it matters how we grow this. It matters so much how we grow this.  Dear Jesus, Holy Spirit that walks with us, I pray that you would guide the roots, help this foundation be strong. I am not afraid of conflict or hardship but I am...

 With marriage on the horizon, the subject of long-suffering and faithfulness feels topical.  I think of Melissa and Jonathan Helser. I love listening to their podcast. Even though I don't agree with all of their theology, I trust the fruit of their lives. It is evident in their humility, it is evident in the gentleness and steadfastness of the community they have built around them.  I want my relationship with God and with my future husband to have the sweet savour of faithfulness and steadfastness. It is forged through continual submission.  I ask myself "At the end of my days, when my life has been lived, what do I want to be able to look back on? What do I want to be remembered for?"  Obedience, faithfulness, thankfulness.  Work in me the fruits of obedience, faithfulness, and thankfulness.  So what is faithfulness?  I think faithfulness is a long-term practice of standing on our foundation no matter what is happening. When I think of faithful...

I am convinced that nothing can separate me from God.  I am also convinced that the greatest gift I have been given, besides salvation, is the presence of the Holy Spirit. I am not alone. Someone once described it as the crescendo of the cross, and at the time I thought that was religious mumbo jumbo, but I think I understand it now.  While salvation is a fixed thing, the day to day struggles and tension is answered by the companionship and comfort of the Holy Spirit. He changes my life every day.  Yesterday I felt pricked to refocus my mind on choosing joy and the blessings of God in difficult situations, and today I feel carried to the songs and the perspectives that I need.  I am being reminded of truths that God taught me years ago, when He was cultivating exponential growth in me, and now I have old growth to lean back on. I am so grateful for His planning and timing, I am feeling the strength of what He has built in me, and I am amazed at how He knew I would ne...

Proverbs 27:7 - "The full soul loatheth an honeycomb, but to the hungry soul, every bitter thing is sweet." This verse is so interesting to me because it could be taken so many ways.  The full soul could be one that gorges themself on pleasures and things to fill themselves up, so that even when true sweetness and real good comes along, like how the Word of God is compared to honey, they don't want it, they don't see their need and there is no room for it in their bellies because they have filled themself with things that don't truly matter.  It's like not wanting real maple syrup because you're used to the sugary fake stuff that's terrible for you.  But to the hungry soul, the one that trained their appetite to want that which is prudent and reasonable and good, even trials and difficult situations are sweet, are desirable because they recognize the work that is wrought in the soul because of it. They are hungry for God, for His hand and His word in e...

 I started feeling sorry for myself, I was grumbling, and I was about to let it affect my whole day.  Then a little flip was switched and I felt led to listen to worship music. There was a line in a song about heaven surrounding me, and I had a little moment of clarity. I saw what I had been headed towards: self-pity, ungratefulness, resentment, and it would have ruined my day and soured a precious time with my nephew. And then I saw how that switch had to have been the Holy Spirit, had to have been heavenly fortification, because I myself love a good pity party, I love a good wallow, but God said "this is not what I have for you." It was divine interference in the most mundane, sweet way possible. It felt very practical, very "God-with-us", you know? I am grateful.  ^^ This is a great example of the Holy Spirit teaching us, and us cooperating. The reason why He is a teacher is because so much of the Christian walk is a learned skill like anything else. We are told ...

Life Lately has been me relishing the contentment and joy that I feel in my everyday life.  I am aching for Ecclesiastes, and wanting Proverbs. I want practical, slow wisdom.  It has just now -- as I type these words -- occurred to me that my birthday is tomorrow. I am going to be 23, the oldest I've ever been, yet I am keenly aware of how young that is.  I am praying for wisdom and peace.  I am grateful for the grace I have felt to be hands off, to trust the Holy Spirit and try to open myself to teaching.  Teach me Holy Spirit. It is what You are here for, to comfort and teach, and I need both together. You know what I need.  My birthday has passed with a surprising outpouring of love and celebration. It was lots of tiny moments that made me feel so seen and cherished.  Holy Spirit, my prayer for 23 is this: that I would welcome you into every interaction, every decision, and every thought. I don't want to live life the same as I always have. In the s...

lol. I read this back, and I can see it and remember it a little more clearly for what it was: a kid who loved God and wanted to be closer, and had been shown that the way to be closer was "breakthrough", was big emotional revelations. Those big emotional revelations -- in my mind -- were still something to achieve, something I could do, and it meant that I was making linear progress in my walk with God, because no matter how much I said otherwise, I still craved milestones and achievements that proved I was more set free than others.  A Bit of Backstory: January of 2017 -  I was wondering why I felt like I was in the same place I had been for years, and searching for some magical quote or phrase that could fix my stagnant heart. Somehow I stumbled across a song:  Pieces by Steffany Gretzinger. The moment those first few notes started playing, I burst into tears. I felt something so intense and scary and all-at-once powerful, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that ...

Haha, so this is a post I wrote but never published. I wrote it...maybe three years ago? If not longer lol A lot has changed in me, and I would like to think I've gained more perspective and maturity. Let's see if I actually have.   I fully believe that grace is the message of my life. Do ya now? You believe that you have special claim to knowing God's grace like no one else? You? haha no. More accurately, you want to feel spiritual, you want to feel like your story is unique. And you want to emulate the spiritual leaders you are listening to right now, which means you need a message for your life, an over arching theme. It has settled into the cracks of my heart like nothing else, revealing how much I lack it, and how much it can solve. The first part of that sentence sounds good, but I don't really know what I meant by "cracks of my heart" lol  I did and still do lack it, and it can solve so much, that's true.  My name is Evangeline Grace, or "b...

I like defining who I am. I grew up in an age of Buzzfeed quizzes that tell you exactly what type of food, what type of flower, or which Disney princess you are. I grew up in the height of identifying with your Hogwarts house and demigod cabin. I grew up sharing my MBTI type, clinging to the title of introvert as a club that I was a part of, and when the Enneagram came along, diving in to find myself in that as well. I identified myself as a writer for so long that when I stopped writing I felt disconnected from myself.  There are so many things that we tell ourselves we are. We are good, we are kind, we are this and that, and when we do something that goes against those beliefs, we feel as though we have failed or let ourselves or God down in some way.  okay, these thoughts are not fully formed but I am grasping at something.  I am not my own. I don't want my own identity. I want to lose "me". I am a fallen, fleshy human that needs grace over and over. God bridges the ga...

 My prayer for 2024 is this: I pray that this year I would become starving for God. I have lost my appetite, but it can be trained to hunger, and it can be coaxed out by the best food there is, by the living bread.  I pray for humility that does not ruffle it's feathers at praise.  I pray for kindness that is not self-serving. I do not want to think of myself as kind when I am but a weak imitation of Christ.  I pray that this would be a "I only do as I see my Father do" year. That is a big request to the Holy Spirit because of how far I feel I have drifted in my heart and my affections, but I know You crave closeness and want to teach me how to draw near.  I pray that this would be a year of gratitude, of reimagining the world in what I have and what I don't deserve instead of have nots and wants. I don't want to be reaching for more, I want to revel in what is around me.  I want to be known for kindness and gentleness and seeing the loved Child of God in t...

 Thank you for yogurt hands.  Thank you for the little life, the sapling that I am watching grow into a forest. And he will grow into a forest, with all the watering and care being poured into him.  Thank you for the moments of toddler screaming that revealed ugly parts of me, that revealed just how fleshly and impatient my existence still is. Thank you for the tears in trying to rock a crying baby to sleep, reaching out for You not out of holiness or devotion but out of desperation. Thank you for interuptions that prove holiness isn't just reserved for churches or quiet contemplation. Thank you for every second of self-sacrifice and my will examined and set aside.  Thank you for the pace of slow learning and play. Thank you for the deep breath and release of frustration as loving hands smear yogurt over my sweatshirt. Thank you for the moments of twirling around the kitchen with his little head on my chest that show me Your heart for us, that show me the meaning of ...

 I think it's really funny that this blog started off as me wanting to write a devotional, and I was just feeling so much that I had to write down my thoughts to organize them all.  Praise the Lord that I never went public.  I used to think that I had a theme in my life, a message that I was meant to bring to the masses because I had some sort of God-given, extra-spiritual understanding. I don't fault myself, I was excited and sincere and a little prideful. We've all been there.  But now I know that the message of my life is not a one-word sermon like Grace, or Honesty, or Dependence that comes with a microphone and bullet points.  I now see that the message of my life, my ongoing testimony, is that I mess up over and over, I sin, I forget, I ignore God's direct commandments, etc. I live my life as though He has no impact on everything, as though He has no Lordship, as though He is not the only thing that has kept me afloat all these years, even though: I push H...

December brings a look back at the year. It's both overwhelming and underwhelming.  Honestly, the greatest mercy that God has given me for this month is the lack of panic, the lack of expectations on the holidays and what that should all feel like.  Just because it doesn't feel like what I think it should, or hold all the activities and moods that it has in the past doesn't mean that it is less good or less meaningful.  More than any grand Christmas experience, I'm just really grateful this month. I'm grateful for the birth of Jesus, and the joy of family and togetherness, and the security and safety of my relationship with God, without performance. In the past I would have felt guilty that I didn't cry about the miracle of the manger and all that it brings, but you know what? My tears and emotions do not make that miracle any greater, and my lack of tears does not diminish it. I am not doing God a favor by pretending that I feel more than I do.  Anyway, 2022 wa...

 November is an in between. It is in between the color and novelty of October, and the lights and anticipation of December. It is a month of waiting.  So it's only fitting that this month I be faced with a question from the Holy Spirit. "Is this relationship enough for you without any future promise?" Essentially, I have noticed that trusting God usually comes with conditions. Like "I'm trusting you God, because I believe you will give me good things in the future." and "I'm still banking on this thing that I decided is good for me, but God gets to decide when. His timing is perfect."  Do I believe that God wants to bless us? Hands down. Do I believe His timing is perfect? Always.  But if I am hoping for a relationship or a specific career, the question that I felt this month was very much so "without all that, even if I work in a dead end job, alone, until the day I die, is God enough for me?"  My gut response is yes, but is that tru...

My October last year was...wild. I kind of wish I could just write about that instead, but...we're sticking to the program here.  Anyway, last October was like life turned to full brightness. The season of fall was in full bloom, everything looked like a perpetual postcard. My emotional and spiritual life felt like it was bubbling over constantly in a very attention demanding way. It was vibrant and revealing and exciting and it changed me in ways that I still can't fully describe.  This October is quieter, steadier. My guess is it is some of the fruit from last year. I'm turning 21, and because I am sentimental, that has everything to do with my emotional and spiritual state.  I've always struggled with things changing. Death, losing friends, getting older, etc. I felt like one by one things would be taken from me until I was old and had no connections, no ties to anyone. Because of that, I've kind of expected all of my relationships to be taken from me in one way ...

 sooo my sister had a baby (and I find a way to bring it into every conversation) with that came a lot of pain and love and teaching moments.  1. Hudson, my nephew. This is one of the wildest things I have ever experienced. Forget bungee jumping and hiking on the spine of a mountain, watching the sunrise over Diablo lake or sunsets lighting the ocean on fire, none of that has felt as intense. (I know that's dramatic but all of my feelings towards him are very dramatic) I watched my sister hold a baby that I knew was technically my nephew. He was cute, he was small, he was fussy. Then she asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes even though I was nervous. Then he was put in my arms and all those cheesy moments that you see in movies and tv shows happened at once. I immediately and uncontrollably loved him completely, like...I would throw myself in front of anything lethal if he asked. I know a large part of it is biological for the survival of the young of the species, BUT it ...

This month saw the introduction of lordship into my psyche. I started reading "Holier Than Thou" by Jackie Hill Perry, and she is going to word all this so much better than I could. I've obviously heard that God is the Creator of the universe and all-powerful and has all authority, and I have believed it whole heartedly, but I don't think that something of that magnitude can be understood by our might alone.  The Holy Spirit gave me the grace of getting a little taste of perspective. When I say a little taste, I really do mean it. Because that taste of real belief and understanding turned into fact and is enough for me to mull on and turn to over and over. I DON"T WANT THAT TO SOUND ALL PRETENTIOUS BECAUSE IT ISN"T. If anything, I think it's a part of becoming childlike.  When I say "lordship", I mean not just that God is holy, but that in that perfection, in that holiness, in His total authority, it means that total obedience is not just a goo...

 Hmm, this month was a bit of everything.  I think I learned that I don't really know much about love or vulnerability. That I'm scared of it.  EXAMPLE: My brother told us that he bought a ring for his girlfriend and before I could even register what that meant, my body felt a pang of fear as my first thought was "that's forever. you can't get out of that." Of course my second thought was being happy for them.  Love, and marriage, is dependent on vulnerability. It is dependent on "this is my heart, without cynicism, without sarcasm, without protection. It is in your hands." It is giving others control over you. I like feeling in control, of myself, of my time, of the world around me. It makes me feel safe. I see self-reliance as a good thing. That is obviously from fear and pride.  Fear of being let down, of being rejected, of losing something, of being asked to sacrifice too much.  Pride because I think deep down that I am better on my own and no on...

 Haha oops, oh well.  Two things.  1. I don't think I want to write a devotional anymore. I remember I used to feel like I had so much wisdom and important insight from a never-before-closeness with the Holy Spirit that the world needed. Can you say prideful? Well, not really. I know it was from a well-meaning place of excitement about my new relationship with the Holy Spirit. I was actually feeling the fruit of that relationship for the first time and I assumed that if everyone else felt it too, Christianity would be revived to it's former glory. I was young and stupid, and I still am young and stupid, but hopefully I know it a little better now.  All that to say, I really don't feel like I have much to say. If I ever did write a devotional, I would want to be much older with much more life lived with God. I would want to be able to lay my life out and say "See? Look at how much I have needed God, how little I can do on my own, and how far He has carried me." I d...